update 2

exactly a week ago i ended things for good with matthew. i can't believe its been a week. the last blog was a letter to him. i read him the letter and of course a few days later he was texting me saying that he misses me.
so thursday i said that i could get past all the lying and stuff. but what i didn't understand was that he knew he was going to lose me if he didn't tell his parents but he still didn't tell them. it's so frustrating that he didn't even try. but i guess that's what was supposed to happen. he didn't fight for me and he made that choice. so we're not together.
its still hard. i'm lonely a lot of the time. i think about him all the time. but at the same time i'm realizing that this probably was the best thing for me. matthew changed a lot towards the end of our relationship. it was like all he wanted to do was party and drink. he couldn't wait to be back in school so he could drink when he wanted. he was cussing a lot and ya i still loved him but things were different. when we talked it wasn't the same. he became someone i didn't want to be with and i knew that i deserved better than how he was treating me.
i loved the time that i had with matthew and i wouldn't trade it for anything. he kept me company and i really really do love him. i wish that things didn't end the way they did. but i know that there is a reason for everything. there was a reason i met matthew i just don't know what it is yet.
i'm just trying to trust in God that this is going to get easier. it'll be hard for a while because we talked about him coming out next week. of course that was never gonna happen, but ti's still hard. i really think that once this summer or even june is over things will get better.
all i know is that right now, i miss him so much. im constantly fighting the urge to send him a message on facebook just to tell him that i miss him.
im still writing in the journal i bought him. i don't know how long i'll keep it up. for now it's the closest thing i have to him and it's still hard for me, so i'm still writing to him.